How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items by Jason Offutt

Author:Jason Offutt [Offutt, Jason]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
Tags: weapons, monster, werewolf, survival guide, horror, demon, vampire, zombie, fantasy, clowns
Publisher: Permuted Press
Published: 2015-01-13T05:00:00+00:00

Disposing of the Body

Dump it at your favorite fast food franchise.

Big Game Hunter Muldoon: They should all be destroyed.

--Jurassic Park, 1993

Chapter 8: Dinosaurs

Given the fact that most scientists are convinced dinosaurs died out 65 million years ago, this chapter should be irrelevant, right? No. Scientists are always saying something big doesn’t exist because they can’t see it, like dinosaurs, Bigfoot, and their junior prom. At the same time, scientists also claim something small does exist, even though they can’t see it, like photons, the pinhole that started the Big Bang, and their self-confidence at a singles bar. According to the accepted scientific theory proposed in 1980 by University of California-Berkeley geologist Walter Alvarez, at the end of the Mesozoic Era, a ten-mile wide asteroid smashed into the Yucatan Peninsula creating a fifteen-mile deep, sixty-mile wide crater that sent a massive cloud of debris into the atmosphere, blocking the sun and sending temperatures plummeting. This choked life from most mega fauna that wasn’t wearing coats. Sure, scientists found the crater and other evidence to support their hypothesis, but these people are, of course, idiots. Some dinosaur species survived; they’ve just been fortunate enough to stay the heck out of our way—for now. But the human race might just be minutes away from the Great Velociraptor Plague of the 21st Century. Nobody makes swatters big enough for that.

Problem One: Although scientists are almost right about dinosaurs, big lizard sightings occur with uneasy frequency. More than five hundred witnesses reported seeing a horned, black-scaled “dragon” in July 2002 at Lake Tianchie in northeast China. In February 1976, three elementary school teachers in San Antonio, Texas, saw a pterodactyl with a wingspan of fifteen to twenty feet swoop over their cars. One of the teachers said the pterodactyl had wings like a giant bat. Were these teachers so high on coke they all imagined the same thing? No, of course not. No one can afford cocaine on a public elementary school teacher’s salary. So what did these five hundred people in China and the teachers in Texas see? They saw dinosaurs.

History is filled with reports of living dinosaurs. Pygmy natives of the Lake Tele region in central Africa tell stories of the Mokele-mbembe, an animal with a long neck, long tail, and round tracks. When the Pygmies were shown a series of pictures, they pointed to a sauropod dinosaur. Similarly, people who live on the borders of Zambia, Angola, and the Congo have identified an animal in their area—the Kongamato, a red flying, featherless creature with a wingspan of seven feet—from pictures of pterodactyls. A carving on an ancient ruined temple in Cambodia shows a stegosaurus, and the ancient Anasazi Indians of what would become Utah carved a depiction of a dinosaur into rock. There are countless more reports just like this of plesiosaurs, tiny T-Rexes, and Larry King.

Are you scared? You should be. We’re sitting in the movie Jurassic Park right now. It’s only a matter of time before we’re plucked off a toilet seat and swallowed by a Tyrannosaurus.

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